The person I’ve tried to kill, but fail

It’s ME.

Yes, I’ve been trying to kill this particular one since…um…since I knew her existed. Some methods I didn’t commit it myself, some came out of my very own mind. I will give you some examples, but I do not recommend anyone try them themselves. They’re not fatal experiments, they hurt so bad instead. Anyway, if you are a masochist…do whatever you please.

One of my prior methods was jumping out of an armchair. Not that I was doing it willingly, but my sister contemplated that it was the best for me, so she helped me get out of this complicated but simple world. (Un)Fortunately, this one particular self was not killed easily so I got only an almost broken nose and a bowl of tears.

And when I learned Taekwondo, I accidentally got a kick at the ear from my coach… I flew away a few feet and got a clear ear after that; I could hear any white noise for a few minutes. (Un)Fortunately again, my coach tried to suspend his strength before hitting when his harmless and conscious mind realized that I, the tiny little girl at age 6, did not move, so I’m still alive now.

Another method I had come up with was getting hit by a nail, a rusty old nail, in order to get sick and die. But (un)fortunately again, I got only a bucket of blood and tears and some killing-me-harshly methyl alcohol and antipathetic betadine. I had genuinely believed that those medical liquid were going to try to murder me at the time.

The other foolish method was putting a piece of eraser into my nose. It was a very good method, though. However, it did not work again because my too-good-hearted teachers tried every possible thing to get that tiny piece out…along with my blood. I don’t remember why I did it or why I was so desperate with my life at that age, but if I had a chance, I would still do it again. The scent of that eraser was something you would not be able to ignore!

I also committed a lot of adventurous intrepidity but it seemed more like stupidity now.

Since then I have been trying to kill myself unintentionally with a lot of well-organized and intelligent strategies including eating tons of greasy, oily food, sleeping at the early hours of mornings, drinking too much caffeine, getting too much food coloring, getting too much borax craftily hidden itself in food, getting too much man-made  pollution, getting too much sugar, getting too much rage, etc., in order for the modern menace diseases to find another optional host. Or maybe I could get a round-in-every-dimension body so that I could stumble and roll to the front of some speeding cars.

I have been doing it well (except the chubby part since everyone keeps telling me to gain weight) and I got a slightly high cholesterol level. Anyway, one day the self I’ve been trying to mercilessly murder gave me a pleading look in the mirror, trying to send me some messages. And then, like a sparkling miracle you saw in the film, I perceived how much we have been in love with each other, how much she did care for my undernourished and undervalued heart. Yeah, I, the antithesis of Mother Teresa, in fact, have some love in my very same malice vein. How could I restlessly be detrimental to her?

Therefore, I gave up and embraced her encouragingly. I know someday in the future something will come to us and we will be gone together, I don’t need a catalyst at all, I don’t need to hurt her more at all; living daily has done its job. We will be together in the end and I like that thought. For now, I will do whatever to please her and heal her both physically and spiritually. Wish me luck 😉

Categories: I don't categorize my life | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

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